Michael McFadyen's Scuba Diving - THE THREE STOOGES
THE THREE STOOGES - A True Story, Names Changed to Protect the Stupid|
by Michael McFadyen (alias Shemp)
Once upon a time there were Three Stooges, Larry, Curly and Moe. In fact, there were really five Three Stooges. As well as Larry, Curly and Moe, there were also two other Three Stooges, Shemp and Curly Joe, but they were only fill-ins for Curly when he was not one of the Three Stooges. There was also their friend, Jerry.
At a party one night, Jerry, who was a very rich comedian, asked Shemp if he wanted to have a laugh on the wreck of the SS Tuggerah the next morning. Shemp decided that he really wanted to do this because the last five laughs organised by Jerry and another friend, Lou (also a rich comedian), had been cancelled due to bad weather over the previous week.
Shemp then phoned Moe, who, of course, was the leader of the Three Stooges and asked him if he wanted to come too. He readily agreed, probably because he had not had a good laugh for a week either.
Shemp asked Lou if he wanted to come but he said no. It was obvious that he was already under the thumb of his new lady friend. The next one asked was Curly who was also at the party. He was not real bright, probably the stupidest of them all, but he said he would also come.
While this was happening, Curly Joe heard about the plan to laugh on the Tuggerah and he was asked about his experiences of laughing at depth. While he had never laughed so deep off Sydney, he assured Curly, Jerry and Shemp that he had laughed very deep off Jervis Bay. They agreed that he could also come, but they were all a bit wary of him and decided that he might not be a very good comedian.
With one more spot available on the laugh boat, Shemp phoned Larry, who as all fans of the Three Stooges would know, was honest but very, very stupid. He was not home and although his mobile phone rang, Larry was not there to answer it (see how stupid he is). Finally, Shemp got on to his voicemail and left a message and the next morning Larry rang saying he would come too.
The next morning they all met at the boat ramp and loaded the equipment needed on Jerry's boat. Jerry backed the trailer into the water. Luckily the brake pad did not fall off the car this week like it did the week before and Moe did not pick it up and burn his hand again. Then, Shemp attempted to start the boat's motors. The first one started okay but the second did not want to work. Using all his skill (not really much) he got the motor going and finally it was running like clockwork.
Everyone climbed aboard and the boat sped off towards the Tuggerah under Shemp's control. Soon they were over the wreck, with many fishers around, including one boat anchored right on the main part of the wreck. Shemp told Larry to drop the anchor which he did. Unfortunately, the boat drifted right back until it was almost on top of the poor fishers' boat.
For punishment, Shemp had to pull up the anchor from 45 metres and they tried again under Jerry's direction. This time they did not anchor at all and merely drifted past the fisher's boat. By this time another boat of comedians arrived under the control of Stanley. They successfully anchored right where Jerry had been trying to anchor so he had to try again in front of the fishers. This time he was successful, but they were not too close this time.
It was decided that Jerry and Curly Joe would laugh first, so they started getting their gear together. Curly Joe was getting a bit hot (and perhaps a bit sick) so he hopped in the water and held onto the funny line. Unfortunately, as Jerry went to put on his tank, he discovered that it was leaking from the O-ring. A problem, Jerry had only recently purchased this tank and he had not thought to buy some spare O-rings. A search of his gear found some O-rings, but they were all too big or too small. Shemp, who carried every possible spare,
also did not have this strange sized O-ring. So, poor Jerry had to miss out on the big laugh.
Shemp decided that as Curly Joe was not really an experienced deep laugher, he would go with him and keep an eye on him. It took Shemp a while to put on his laughing gear and then to get into the water. It was a bit of a rush but soon he was on his way to the bottom with his trusty video camera.
Half way down, Shemp thought his hands were a bit cold. He looked at them and saw that he had forgotten his gloves. No problem really, he is pretty tough. About 10 metres from the bottom Shemp decided to put a bit of air into his BCD but discovered that he had not connected his low pressure hose. Therefore, he lay his camera on the wreck and hooked it up. Yes, it still worked, and worked and worked and worked. Shemp remembered that he had meant to pull the power inflator apart and clean it as the last time he went laughing the thing had stuck on and made him look like a pufferfish. So he now disconnected it and used his quite large mouth to top it up. Curly Joe had no problems and together, they swam around the wreck. After 10 minutes, Shemp remembered that he had not turned on his pony bottle. While on the bottom, Shemp and Curly Joe saw the famous underwater laugher, Oliver who had his ever present camera with him. He was laughing from Stanley's boat. They said hello.
A few minutes later, Larry, Curly and Moe entered the water together. The fishers asked them to remove their anchor from the wreck. Moe decides that instead of going down their own anchor, they would descend the fisher's anchor line. They got to the bottom and threw the anchor off the wreck and then began their exploration around the wreck. They soon ran into Shemp and Curly Joe. As a big group, they all swam to the bow of the wreck where the anchor to their boat was located. Shemp and Curly Joe finished their laugh (already a good one) and returned back to the boat.
Larry, Curly and Moe kept swimming around the wreck and as they came to the end of the laugh, remember that they had not come down the anchor line from Jerry's boat. The reality is that they really do not know where their anchor was located. Moe (as leader) decides that the anchor in front of the boiler was
theirs so he told the others to go up. Larry, although he could not tell a really good joke from a bad pun, knew that this was not their anchor. He attempted to tell Moe but Moe takes no notice. Moe told Larry to throw
the anchor on the sand so they could drift away from the wreck. Larry again tried to convince Moe he was wrong, but as all fans of the Three Stooges know, Moe is always right.
Meanwhile, Curly had ascended, not caring if it was the right anchor as he did not have enough air to search for the correct one. As they ascend, they encountered two other laughers from Stanley's boat. Yuk, yuk, yuk says Larry as he pokes Moe right in the eyes. "I was right" he tells him, as they drift away in the strong current.
At the same time, Shemp knows something is wrong as the Three Stooges have not yet come up to the laughter stop. He does his stops as shallow as possible so he can get out of the water and inform Jerry what has happened. After 22 minutes of laughter, Shemp gets back on the boat and tells Jerry that the Three
Stooges are lost, maybe drifting aimlessly. They scan the water but cannot see any safety sausages (like a cream pie but used to save yourself) that Larry and Moe carry. The hope is that the Three Stooges are under Stanley's boat, being so stupid that they have gone up the wrong anchor.
As soon as Curly Joe ascends (he was a bit deeper while doing his laughter stops), they put a float on the anchor and speed down to Stanley's boat which is by now about 400 metres away. Sure enough, there are the Three Stooges in the water, looking particularly stupid. The winners of this pie fight are certainly Oliver, Stanley and their three laughers.
After dragging them onto Jerry's boat, they go back to get their anchor which is, of course, stuck hard in the wreck. Shemp and Jerry go up the front to try and extract the anchor. It is stuck very hard. Moe, once again showing his brains and leadership, leans right over the front of the boat as he directs Jerry. He is holding the rope in his hand. As a large wave comes through, the boat lifts, the line tightens and Moe is pulled over the side into the water.
Fair dinkum, if he had any more brains he would be dangerous. Maybe it is the effects of the malaria that he caught on a comic trip to PNG last year. So, if you are interested in a good laugh, go diving with Larry, Curly and Moe and the other comedians.